Been Awhile, And That’s OK

I have the burning desire to write and have no idea what exactly I want to write. The fear of not knowing, of wanting to write something that it universally loved, or in other words, not criticized at all, have left me silent. My Dad’s passing was the subject of my first blog post. The second piece that I wrote about was the power of ‘choosing’ and our family’s relocation from Maplewood, NJ to Raleigh, NC. Guess who presented himself in that story too? Dad. This wanting to write about my Dad because I love him, think about and miss him all the time and very much want to acknowledge his guiding presence in my life is big. I don’t only want to write about my Dad though, and that has also contributed to my uncomfortable silence. I’m aware that as a Dad myself, now more than ever, my advice and heartfelt prayer for my own kids is “Be Happy” and “Speak Your Own Truth.”

I think that perhaps Thomas Merton had something different in mind when he wrote the phrase “wide open to heaven and earth and closed to no one” but for me that simple phrase has helped me immensely since my Dad passed. “Wide Open” is not living in a delusional world but rather a deep-rooted personal belief that anything is possible, that there really is only one reality, and yet we may not be able to ‘know, see and hear’ everything and everyone around us. I’m in awe of the unknown and unfathomable. The unknown creatures in our very own oceans. The unfathomable distances traveled by the light that we are only now seeing through the world’s mightiest telescopes. We are often seeing the light from stars and planets that no longer exist. That blows my mind. The limitless power of love, and raw energy of life to persevere and to willingly die or risk dying to create and nurture new life.

Talking, thinking, writing, and reading about our unique individual human experiences of love, life, death, happiness, joy, pain, perseverance, heartache, humor, triumph, relationships, and compassion all intrigue me. Opening up to and recognizing how those personal experiences connect us all to one another, in this shared human experience, is also very cool to me.

My hope in writing is that I can get a closer understanding of the ‘who, why, what and how’ questions about myself. Read a cool interview recently in the Harvard Business Review (HBR) with Deepak Chopra:

“HBR: What’s the key lesson you want leaders to take away from your work?

Chopra: I give them the opportunity to reflect on important questions: Who am I? Why do I think I exist? What is my purpose? What brings me joy? What will my legacy be? Who are my heroes, mentors, role models in history, mythology, religion, business?…The process is not seeking advice but deep reflection, and at the end of it they chart their own course. Why do I want to be a leader? Whom do I want to lead? How do I get others to buy into my vision? ….The idea is for them to work toward taking responsibility for not only their own well-being—social, emotional, physical, financial, professional—but also that of others. I teach them how to harness creativity, whether they’re artists or scientists—intention, information gathering, analysis, incubation, insight, intuition—and how to serve the people they influence. Those are the basic elements.”

Welcome into my world of SocratesDude, Deepak. Those questions, as simply and clearly as you’ve laid them out, are many of the ones filling my head.

I’m mindfully in the process of learning to let go. Letting go of the desire to not offend, letting go of my ego’s desire for universal praise, letting go of the knee-jerk reaction to react defensively when criticized or when it has become evident that I am lacking in a particular skill or on a specific subject, letting go of the desire to control or to know everything, especially those things that are uncontrollable or unknowable. Along with letting go, I am making more of an effort to accept things. Accepting myself, for the good and for the mistakes I make, in an effort to better love myself with the ultimate goal of loving others and the world itself better. Accepting that I will never be able to write without my love for my Dad and the pain of missing my Dad in every written or unwritten word. Accepting my own mortality and my inability to prevent the pain that my inevitable and hopefully far-off passing will cause. (#humblebrag) These are definitely not switches to be turned on and off but journeys, paths, choices to keep on trying, learning more, listening more, and getting better at it.

The importance of letting go of things and accepting myself has reminded me of my Jesuit upbringing and the Ignatian focus on ‘Cura Personalis’ meaning “care for the whole person.” As I gratefully remember being taught at Fordham Prep, the Ignatian focus is on “a healthy mind, body and spirit.”

After Gram passed, my Dad’s mother, my Dad said, “I choose to view all acts of kindness towards me as gifts from my mother.” That for me is wide open to heaven and earth and closed to no one. When I read that HBR interview with Deepak Chopra, I felt ‘wide open’ to it as a gift and am grateful that I chose to read it at that time. Maybe ‘wide open’ is Merton’s encouragement, as St. Benedict taught him, “to listen with the ear of the heart.”

I’m making more time to meditate and practice gratitude on a daily basis in an effort to calm my mind and body. ‘I woke up today. I’m loved and I love. There is a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I’m out of harm’s way. My heart goes out to all those without their basic human needs being met.’

My intention, hope and prayer for myself is to be lighter mentally, lighter physically, and lighter spiritually and that is the journey I’m consciously on these days. As Seamus Heaney said, “Walk on Air, Against Your Better Judgement.” It’s my hope for you too. Slainte!